Illegal Bob

Friday, Aug 19, 2011 9:24 am

Its been hotter than a fire cracker lately even out on the flats where it is seldom hot. We have had a dose of red tide this week so all us clam diggers have had a vacation so to speak. Marine resources tests for red tide all along the shore of Maine. With out this service to us clam diggers, we would not be making much money in the summer. Red tide is an alga which can bloom along Maines coast at about any time but especially when it gets hot. Clams which are filter feeders ingest this alga when it blooms and it stays in the calm for as long as the bloom lasts. It is poisonous to humans so if a human eats a clam he gets poisoned. It is highly toxic to humans and people have died from eating calms with red tide in them. Back in the old days before testing for red tide most people would not eat shell fish in the summer for this reason. Needless to say, summers back then could be a poor time for a calm digger. Oh! Why is it called red tide? When red tide blooms in great quantity, it can be seen floating in the ocean and it has a red ting to it. Therefore it is called red tide. Well, I was down at the wharf seeking relief from the heat with a six pack when a brand new truck pulled up and an obvious tourester got out and walked over to my truck. He said to me hey where can I get some clams today. I said you can’t because they shut us down because of the red tide. He said, Are you a clam digger. I said, I sure am and ordinarily I would dig you some but not till we get the ok. He then said well don’t that piss you off having them government officials tell you what to do with all them rules. The government always being the whipping boy, I said yes, it sure does. He then said, I don’t think there is a thing wrong with the calms they are just using their power over you. I said, yup the damn government cant trust them. He then said, to hell with them go and dig me a bucket of calms. I said, well I really couldn’t do that as the flats were closed. He said well you just said the government is lying about it, whats the harm. I looked at him for a moment and then said, I am sorry sir but I will not dig you any clams as we have red tide. He then said, I’ll give you double the price. I said, no thanks sir the flats are closed. He then said, well who will dig me some calms at double the price? I said well if you hang around and are willing to take the chance maybe some one will, but I will not. By this time he was irritating me so much, I drove off. Next morning I was watching local TV at breakfast and I saw that they were having a special on red tide. The news caster then said, we have a special expose on illegal calm digging in Washington County. I thought, well who to hell, could that be. I thought I knew every clam digger in Washington County. They talked about what a problem illegal calm digging was in Washington County and how people could get poisoned with red tide. Then they said we have obtained a news clip filmed by a concealed camera of that activity filmed by an actor playing a tourist buying illegal clams. I was thinking what an idiot that clam digger must be to do dig during red tide. Then they flashed a news clip and all of a sudden I realized it was me. That tourist had secretly filmed me down at the landing yesterday. Only this was the only thing they showed was the part where I complained about the government and where I said to hang around and some one would dig him some clams. Hell, they even edited out where I said, maybe. What the hell, what complete distortion of the facts. Then the phone rang and I picked it up. It was Shorty Long the Marine Fisheries warden. He said Bob, I am coming over and you had better do some explaining about all the illegal clam digging going on. (continued)

Cuttin

Thursday, Jul 28, 2011 10:41 am

The clam tide was about 10:00 today so I slid out of bed at 8:00 threw on my clam digging clothes and headed for the landing. Along the way I stopped at Libbys store for a biscuit and a coffee. Well the old codgers were wild this morning Ill tell you, well at least for old codgers, cause when think about it, how wild can an codger get? They were talking about the budget and cuts in the federal government. Zeek the oldest one said, well I hope they get this thing past and get rid of them welfare people. We carnt afford no more payments to them welfare getters. Wilber, another old codger, said, I guess we could all agree on cutting welfare cheats but you know modt of them don’t cheat and need that money to get by. Problem is Zeek that isnt the only thing they talking about cutting. They are talking about cutting your check, you old fart. What do you mean says Zeek, cut me, I don’t have nothing to cut! Yeah, said Wilber thats what you think. I know you live on SSI like me and get Medicare. Wait a minute said Zeek that makes no sense I have just enough to get by as it is, so how can they cut my check. Besides Medicare pays for my heart medicine which I have to have to stay alive. They should be cutting them damn welfare getters. Zeek, Zeek said Wilber the people who want to cut the budget don’t care if you don’t make it or not. They dont know who you are and even if they did know you, they still wouldnt care. I know for a fact you worked hard all your life in the saw mills cause most of the time I worked right along side of you. These people don’t care what the hell you did or how hard you worked they just want to cut the budget. Then Zach spoke up and said wait a minute. Zeek could you afford coffee if they cut you 20.00 a month. Zeek said, hell no of course not. Zack then said, well that settles it for me, I am now for those cuts. I laughed and headed out the door for they spied me.

Rich Ole Bastard

Friday, Jul 22, 2011 8:57 am

(Continued) How did I get home that night? Well, fortunately Shitty was at the landing wondering where I was, it being so late and all. When I pulled my boat up he took one look at me and said, Bob you aint driving any where and loaded me and my clams into his pick up. After selling my clams at the clam factory we decided what the hell and headed for the Legion to top off a good afternoon. The next morning, Oh the next morning, my tongue was glued to the top of my mouth. It took 2 glasses of water and two cups coffee to free it up so I could talk. Sad shape as I was I still made it down to the landing for the afternoon tide. Of course everyone by that time had heard of my and the rich ole bastard and how drunk I got and I got made fun of but to console myself I thought, well could a been any one of us, just happed to be me. A couple weeks went by and a heat spell hit us. Hot, I mean it was ole smoking blue Jesus hot. I worked in the woods for a while with an old guy who used to have a saying for hot days like this. Aya gonna be a bung hole sweater today boy. I would always ask and whats that Herb. That’s when it is so hot the sweat runs down your back into your butt crack. Then we both laughed. Well it was a bung hole sweater and 90 at the house so I decided to find cooler pastures. I fired up ole Christine my pickup and drove all the way down to Starboard and then out on the Point of Maine. Of course I stopped at the store on the way down for a couple cool beverages. I drove out on Ingalls island bar and parked and took the top off a cold beer and waded out into the water. The temp had gone from 90 at the house to 65 out on the bar and the water couldn’t have been any warmer that 50 – 52. Didn’t take long and I was feeling better. Pretty soon all the other clam diggers started showing up back on the beach to take advantage of the free “Air Conditioning” I was out on the bar a ways but I could hear them laughing about some thing. Eventually, I left the bar and pulled up next to them on the beach. They had a newspaper out and was laughing about some thing in it. Pretty soon Cow Head said hey Bob how do you like being married to your cousin and Bob we want to know when was it you last saw a Sasquatch. What the hell I said and then they passed me the paper they had been reading. It was one of them tell all tabloids and there was a picture me walking on the flats next to my boat. Head line said, Ole Bob tells all! Then I read where I supposedly said that I was married to my cousin and that I routinely saw Sasquatch. It also when on to say that all clam diggers were all drunks and blah, blah. I thought where in hell did they get my name and what was all this bull shit. Then it hit me, The Rich Ole Bastard. It all came flooding back to me. While drinking with him on his boat I had started talking about what a close community it was Down East and how many people where related to each other. Then I remembered talking about scaring the kids with a gorilla suit at a birthday party. I told this to the guys and they just roared with laughter. Shitty said, yup you been bragging about getting drunk with him for two weeks like he was your best friend. Bob this is a Rich Ole Bastard, smut monger, news paper man and he didn’t get rich because he cared about the truth or poor people. Only what sells news papers.

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